Which Professions Should You Tip? (Humor)

A very serious article for our time

If you’re anything like me, you’re sick and tired of excess tipping. The amount of businesses asking for tips is out-of-control! Although some professions clearly deserve an added gratuity, this tipping craze has also spread to services that it makes no sense to pay extra for.

The problem is, tipping culture is confusing and can be difficult to navigate. While no one wants to overpay for a service that’s supposed to be offered for a flat rate, it’s also undesirable to underpay hard-working employees who rely on tips to survive. I’ve certainly been in some embarrassing situations where I’ve tipped when it wasn’t appropriate or haven’t tipped when it was. I’ve been taught some valuable lessons and this article can help you learn from my mistakes.

Before I begin, I want to acknowledge I might have gone a little too far on some of these suggestions. I don’t mean to offend anyone, but I have to warn my readers that I’m taking a firm stand here, and my choices on who not to tip might be controversial. I merely believe that we have to draw the line somewhere or else soon innocent consumers will be expected to pay extra everywhere they go.

Without further ado, here are my opinions on which professions are appropriate and inappropriate to tip. I hope you find them insightful!

Appropriate to tip

• Restaurant servers

• Bartenders

• Taxi or Uber drivers

• Food delivery drivers

• UPS drivers or mailmen

• Barbers, hairdressers, or other hygienists

• Mechanics

• Notaries public

• Your driving instructor

• Your dentist (or any medical doctor)

• Bookstores

• Clothing shops

• Tow truck drivers impounding your car for unpaid parking fees

• Your lawyer (at least 20% if you win the case; tipping less if you lose is acceptable)

• Commercial airline pilots

• Movie theater owners (but only if you enjoyed the movie)

• Amazon.com

• Car dealerships (at least 15% of the value of the car is considered polite)

Inappropriate to tip

• Police officers

• Any devices intended to be operated solely by the end user, such as
  self-checkouts, self-serve gas pumps, automated car washes, or ATMs

• Construction workers not working at a building you own

• On-duty road workers, unless you can safely come to a full stop beforehand

• Muggers

• Your parents

• Your dog, cat, or any other pets (instead, an extra treat is recommended for good behavior)

• The judge at your sentencing

• Your friends after a particularly rousing night out

• Celebrities or TV reporters

• Ransomware, 419 scams, or other kinds of scams

• Your current spouse

• Your ex-spouse (unless you are required to pay alimony, in which case a 10-15% tip is suggested for each payment)

• Telemarketers or door-to-door salesmen who you did not buy a product from

• The DMV

• ChatGPT

• Politicians, up to and including the President of the United States

Whew! It took a lot of courage to come up with that last list. I know I might catch a lot of flak for this, but too much is just too much, and I have to put my foot down somewhere. I hope reading this article might give some of you the strength to say “no, thank you” the next time you’re prompted for an unnecessary gratuity.

Many thanks to Mr. Caspar Milquetoast for inspiration for this article. Examples of his work can be found here, here, here, and here.